It’s a hard subject to talk about. It’s not something I necessarily want to talk about, but something that’s been on the tip of my tongue for weeks now.
At this very moment I am coming out of a depressive episode that has lasted months. Things are clear and lighter now, but as always, I never know how long it will last. Historically, I’ve done a shitty job at recognizing triggers, acknowledging my moods, and pushing myself when I feel stuck. I’m terrible about finding and keeping a therapist (I’ve seen a few, they never seem to stick). And I’m realizing that I never really know that I’m in the throes of depression until I’m out of it. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.
If only there were blue light lenses for depression.
I can’t explain how hard it is to “want” to come out of a depressive episode. Of course I want to, but in many ways, it feels comfortable to be depressed – like I was always meant to be in this state. It’s just easier to succumb to the pain––to let it wash over me and darken my spirit––to let the days pass by without trying to live them.
I was diagnosed with depression at age 22, fresh out of college and lost. Trying to find a career path in a miserable economy. My friends had all moved away. I was living at home with my parents, unemployed, and I felt worthless. Like I had achieved nothing over the past 4 years––and worse, like I could never achieve anything in the future.
I compared myself to everyone and everything; I was jealous and insecure. Depression showed itself through constant fights with my parents, through me never leaving my bedroom, through that time I cheated on my then-boyfriend. 22 was, without a doubt, the worst year of my life.
But it was only one year of many. I have been depressed for as far back as I can remember.
Depression is the reason I couldn’t open up to anyone in high school. It’s the reason why sleeping over at a friend or cousin’s house when I was little sent me into a panic. Depression is the reason why I find it hard to turn my acquaintances into true friendships and the reason why I go weeks without doing laundry, letting it pile up in the laundry room until I can barely open the door to get in.
It’s the reason why I haven’t updated this blog since I launched it.
But right now, friends, I am on the other side. It’s sunny here and warm and my mind is clearer. My creativity has come back. As of late, those horrible creeping thoughts haven’t shown themselves to me while I lay in bed. Or while I shower. Or on my commute to work. Or as I cook dinner.
It feels nice on this side.